Harry Potter and the Castle of Chaos
by janellebrownlow
Summary: sattiricle peice of clever entertainment about the harry books


Harry Potter and The Castle of Chaos 

It was a fine sunny morning, as are all mornings in Harry potter land, and the funny looking dragons were buzzing happily around the quidditch pitch. Fred and George Weasley were up to no good of course, reading old spell books looking for dud spells to convert into pranks. Hermione was in the library pretending to be writing a parchment on the history of gobblespuffs, while really daydreaming about how she could make Ron follow her around by tricking him into thinking she knew a spell for giving boring people some character. Dumbledore of course was strolling around in his office twiddling his thumbs and stroking his silver locks, telling a portrait a story about when he saved the world with his great wisdom. However – while all seemed normal inside the Hogwarts castle – everything outside was about to become chaotic.

The event that was about to take place was being conjured in none other than Sirius blacks house. A house elf by the name of dobby, under the influence of Fred and George's new invention 'Hermione juice', had decided that he needed to try and make the world a better place. Dobby had unofficially renamed the kitchen of the black house 'puntasderfud' (which is Irish translation for 'free the slaves'). Some might argue 'but house elves aren't Irish' and by golly they would be right, however, given the fact the Fred and George have red hair, and Hermione has an accent, the juice became inherently favourable to Irish like suggestions. So enough wish-wash, lets talk about what was so chaotic about a smelly dwarf looking creature wearing a kilt in a black house. The elf had devised a plan to free all house elves from their misery. The plan was simple, the plan was quirky, but the plan was sure to worky. All dobby had done was break into Mr Harry potters fangbank and take a couple hundred galleons. Galleons that he then used to order some 'will turn you into a know it all potion' from the twins – for the name "Hermione juice" just didn't have the same marketing effect this juice was then watered down into regular house elf drink bottles and shipped off to Hogwarts kitchen.

The effect of this juice was what became chaotic. For even though dobby had planned to make all house elves think like him in a union like attempt to gain equality, in his Irish thinking he had actually made all the elves turn against each other – all thinking they knew how to cook the best, all spending hours memorising cookbooks, and all experimenting in an attempt to be awarded 'house elf of the year award', a trophy that did not indeed exist, but that sounded good at the time.

Fred and George upon hearing this news thought that there potion had turned out to be quite marvellous, for they, as well as other Hogwarts kids, were being treated to bigger meals, tastier meals and bigger bellies. This last point of course not sitting to well with Hermione, who then sought in her Herminone like way, to find the culprit for her recent need of an increase in robe size. In her attempt to find this out, she broke all school rules, with out getting caught or punished by Filch and without anyone being suspicious.

However on one of Hermione's secret 'bathroom' trips to the kitchen, she was spotted by Snape. He escorted her after a chase that took many turns and many dangerous climatic points, (in fact a chase that I pondered spending hours to recall – in no less than approximately 2 chapters). The chase ended with Hermione being locked in a dungeon with one of Hagrid's firering caterpillars and bubbling potions that smelt like liquidturd but tasted like fornwarts. Everyone sensed her death approaching...but alas, Harry potter awoke with a startling vision, and decided that he needed to investigate. Ron of course felt the urge to follow Harry with a face expression mirroring kicking his toe on a razor blade. Harry walked down the corridor, remembering to jump over the trick staircase, and dodge the Slytherin common room, just in case Malfoy had decided to wake up and try to cause trouble for Harry – as if he had nothing better to do at 3 o'clock in the morning. Harry ran down the stairs of the dungeon, because the map that he had managed to get his hands on years before showed Hermiones location. But as Harry entered the room, he was greeted by a curved lip and a hiss like voice saying: "you thought you needed to play the im a hero game did you". Harry snarled back "out of my way Snape" whilst puffing out his chest like a toad-frog. Ron drew his wand. Snape laughed. What was to happen.. as if you don't already know… another 2000 word battle was to take place, in which Harry would come close to death a few times before suddenly overpowering Snape and forcing him into an impossible to get out of situation.

He would then untie Hermione, who would give him a giant hug and thank him. Ron would then get a kiss on the cheek for being so brave, and whilst turning beetroot would squeak, "ah it was nothing".

They would then turn to leave for their happy return to the common room, to be applauded by the Gryffindor first years.

Dumbledore meanwhile would tread down to the dungeons and untie Snape, who wasn't really trying to kill the musketeers, but rather was protecting them from the dark lord who had sent death eaters in the form of Fred and George to blow up the school.

The elves continued to work overtime, and as the juice wore off the students' robes began allowing them to breathe again. Another sunny day would follow, along with the announcement that all exams had been cancelled due to the events of the previous night.

I would like to tell you this is how it all ended...but there was more. Fred and George had invented a new prank. A bucket of "Snape Snott" was to be dumped in front of anyone who attempted to exit the castle via the main doors, the snott of course, then to be stepped in and the unlucky student to be trapped, as the snott turned to mortar within seconds of connecting with human flesh. However the twins, being as humorously stupid, as are all good book clowns, did not think this prank through very well...and all went horribly wrong.

Firstly students boycotted the main doors as Neville Longbottom had dropped an "all natural gas" bomb, (known by another word by muggles) near the entrance. The side doors became more popular. Secondly the headmaster unknowingly of this had finished his morning stroll by the pond and his chat with the merpeople and was about to re-enter the castle. At the precise moment finch opened the main doors, in his attempt to refresh the foyer. This resulted in Snape snott being poured over Dumbledore s head. This is where the snott hit the fan, in a manner of speaking. The snott became hard and Dumbledore could not move, his face became covered and he could not breathe. His heart stoped beating and madam Pomfry had no cure. It had happened, Fred and George had killed Dumbledore.

What was to happen to Hogwarts. Well the ministry of magic took care of that. As he observed the attendance, punctuality, knowledge and professionalism of all Hogwarts staff – yes all. One character stood out – someone worthy in knowledge of replacing Dumbledore (who was now looking top notch as the new decorative hallway statue).

Who was this chosen one – well it was dobby of course. I told you things turned chaotic. Harry of course was pleased – he was still the headmaster's pet, and would still therefore never be expelled if he chose to go on some dangerous midnight adventure.

But others were concerned… what would happen to Hogwarts – stay tuned and I will think about telling you. Ill give you a hint though. Things cannot stay cheery for long, for the juice will soon run out, and dobby will again become brainless – and the only two people who know the secret formula are only meters away from a dementer's kiss. The future looks dark.


End file.
